"Today, July 27th of 2014, this young lady comes before you with the heart of a servant. She trusts in your word, loves the life you have given, yet still has an empty void in life. She has stayed strong through several temptations and finds her career to be an incredible outlet and drive in her life. She has a hard time showing affection in public and has a difficult understanding of the concept of love. This young lady has always been the best friend and has always watched her best friend's fall in love with the person they will live the rest of their lives with. She claims "love" for one person in the past and still feels the incredible sting of the pain. Even though she knows that relationship was not good for her and will never be able to speak to that person again, the scar reminds her of the past actions that took place, causing her heart to harden. She is delicate in her choices of men and never chooses lightly, but she hurts, wonders and shies away from love (or the possibility of love) because the pain it causes and may cause does not seem worth it. She stands strong for the people around her. She lives her life as best she can according to the Judge's plan that was set for her. She is here today against the plaintiff, who holds two members, her mind and her actions. Young Lady, please stand and give your testimony."
"The words that were stated above are 100% true and genuine. I am completely honest in my writings but would never state these facts in person. Mostly because the words do not come out in the same tone, thought or significance as I mean them. Yes, I do believe I have "fallen in love" before. This has quotations because I know it was not true love and will never be considered my first love. A few years ago, I feel in "love" with my best friend. I saw him on our church stage playing guitar and I leaned over to my friend and said that that was the guy I was going to date. Technically, our relationship truly did feel like dating, it was just very toxic. We were both emotionally immature and completely ignored the feelings each one had. With that being said, he was my best friend of the time. We hung out every day, texted, laughed, talked, understood each other...and I helped set him up with the girl of his dreams. They are truly happy together and we no longer communicate. We have tried and failed. Too much pain happened from both parties. Which is a shame, it was actually a really fun friendship. He was the first guy to exemplify almost all of the things I believe the Judge called into my life. Even after communicating my feelings to him, I still worked tirelessly to help him win the girl he so wanted to be with. A girl, at the time, that was exactly like me. The most difficult thing in life is watching your best friend fall in love with another girl. I went into depression for almost a year and the pain still comes back. Not the ache of wanting that specific relationship back but the ache and concern that it will happen again. I know the lies that have been created inside my mind because of this past relationship. Lies based on stupidity, anger and the will to impress the new girl in his life. It has been over two years since I have been able to have any feelings for anyone again. I've distracted myself with work, school and the desire to move from one location to another. I have been constantly independent. Willingly obedient to the words spoken to me. I have been open to suggestions, conversations, messages and sermons, yet the fear still lingers; what if this happens again?""
"Thank you, Plaintiff, you may now have the stand. They speak in one, but please note that there are two separate entities involved."
"As the young girl's mind, I will speak for both myself and the young ladies' heart/actions that we are involved in. Years ago, we were against the idea of love. Physicality has always been something that takes time with her. Even through her childhood years, physicality with friends and family stayed with hugs and handshakes; even those were rare. It was not that she was ever against it, but she finds extended meaning behind these encounters that most of the world does not see. This being stated, the young girl has always had a developed sense of loyalty when it has come to guys she has liked. I, as her brain, get attached to one guy at a time and the attachment lasts for years. This creates complications between my relationship with the heart, but luckily the young lady has ignored the heart's opinions for a while. Recently, however, the heart and I have developed a relationship again. Walls have started to fall and we have reunited to a speaking relationship. The one thing you have to understand about her heart is that it is a servant. She will do anything for anyone. It does not matter the time, the commitment or the task (unless it is not biblical). Her heart has actually been incredibly difficult to communicate with since the last services were taken two years ago, but walls always fall. Her servant like actions have come back. Now, there is one thing you must understand about this me, her brain. We communicate very quickly. Each thought comes with twenty others that connect every action, feeling, emotion, image, word and person in her life into one. This makes life a little complicated because reading people and reading into things is my number one talent. However, the other talent we have is separating myself from the heart. She listens to the logic behind emotions and the upfront feelings of others' emotions before she listens to her heart. But the heart, with its walls slowly falling down, is now trying to rebuild the walls because it has now exposed and confronted the scars of the past. As the heart and I have talked, fear radiates through our young girl. Fear of rejection. Fear of falling so close to someone and having it all ripped away again. Fear of loosing the ability to create stories, memories and laughter. The fear of watching it all be created and watching all the effort being put into it and then it disappearing. Yet, there is never a no. The walls are built up while alone, yet knocked right back down again days later. The young lady fights to listen to me and me alone, because I know what is best for her, but her heart yells and screams for attention. She fights to walk away. She claims the actions of walking away. She puts down her phone. She walks away from social media. She stands tall and distracts herself with work, school and movies. Yet, when it is quietest, myself and the heart finally have a chance to talk, ripping away hope and then giving it back. Constantly arguing. Constantly running between what ifs and what nots. We, Judge, have started to create a young girl of despair who does not trust and does not seek to fall in love but seeks to walk away for the easier actions it entails."
"Thank you Plaintiff. With both parties being heard, we will give the Bailiff, Judge and Jury time to discuss the hearings stated. When we adjourn, the Judge will make its final statements."
"As the Judge of the court, I have talked with the Bailiff, my trusted Son and the one to which you have been communicating with since the day you were saved over a decade ago. We have also viewed and heard the jury's opinions on you, your mind, heart and any other statements that would seem representable in my court. We have had several conversations, each to which you have asked for guidance, courage, confirmation and truth. I have given you all. Some you have noticed, others you have not. I understand your heart, your mind and yourself, young daughter of mine. After taking in all of the notes, comments and actions from your family and friends, I want you to know that none of them matter. They do not choose your fate and they do not qualify you for what you are and who you will become. That is between the Bailiff, the Court Report, Myself, the Plantiff and you. A love is a great loss, no matter what the love. I created companionship within each of you and the desire to come together as one to fulfill my purpose I have designed specifically for you. We know the crucial information that I have given you. An answer to your questions, yet a complication to your situation. This information was specific in my timing. It is not of condemnation and it is not to prove I can hold onto things that you may want or desire. It was given to you to teach you trust. Not trust in man kind. I will handle man. Trust in me. Your happiness cannot and will not be satisfied through any human being. Your heart has been heart and your mind does race, but why do you let them? Why do you listen to their worries and their meaningless chatter? Am I not your Father? Have I not created you? Did I not specifically create you before the earth even began. I set a purpose for you that no other human being could preform. I took you from nothing and made you into a child, a daughter, a sister, a coworker and a friend. If I have created all of that and have brought you from one situation to the next, teaching you, preparing you, growing you and lifting you to your full potential, do you not think I am capable of making your a lover? Daughter of mine, trust me when I state that I know the journey I have you on. The future rests in my hands. If I gave you all of the answers now, why would you need me? Why do you seek happiness through man? Are they more powerful than me? Did I not create man? Man has fallen, time and time again. Forgiveness was created because of the fall. I can take you through every situation. You have no need to worry. You have no need to panic. You have no need to go to bed and lay awake for hours with feelings, emotions, pain and doubt. You are my child. I created you. I do not make mistakes. I do not and will never leave my children. I am the only one who will provide a lasting love. A lasting joy. A lasting compassion. A lasting truth. I am the only one that can provide what you need. Do not look towards mankind for what you need from me. I have accepted you. What more do you need? I have your future. What more do you worry about? I have loved you. Do you not believe that I have the power to protect a heart and provide a keeper for you? A son of mine that will devote his love, life and strength to protecting you. I have him chosen and have created him just like I have chose and created you. Follow me, young child of mine, with all of your heart, mind, soul, actions and life. I will provide the happiness you desire and take away the worry, distrust and restful nights. Lean on me, I am strong enough to hold the weight of the world. You are loved. You are forgiven. We are dismissed."
This may have been a weird example to give, but please note that as much as each of us want our Future Jesus Freak, we must realize that they do not provide our eternal happiness. We have all had love for something or someone. When it is gone, it breaks us. It hurts us. It causes us to distrust. The one thing it causes me to do is stay up all night worrying and then the next day, I fight the urge not to walk away. It is painful. Sometimes completely unbearable. Especially if you are like me and create situations in your mind that leave you broken and gasping for air. Is it better to walk away? I'm not sure. I'm a firm believer in ripping bandaids off quickly. However, I am also a believer that Christ died for my sins and has created a conversation path to my Father for me. I, like every girl and guy, fight these emotional battles daily. Somedays are truly bad and other days I am an independent woman that can take on the entire world by herself. I've had to learn to turn off my phone and walk away from social media. I've had to learn that I do not have to be the soul communicator in the relationship. Small victories of control have always helped. Not sending a snapchat in those desperate times. Picking up my bible instead. Writing in my Future Husband journal. Watching a high action movie. Listening to records on my record player (this can be dangerous too though because, if you are like me, music can set your tone for the entire day depended on what you listen to.) Talking to God. I also listen to countless sermons from Elevation Church, Newspring and, now, Passion City Church. I always find a new way to receive God's word and a new encouragement from Steven Furtick and his wife Holly. I also talk to my parents. They know me best and they have the same traits as I do. They help me to figure out different ways to fall asleep and that the same struggles I have had are actually biological. Isn't it great that God won't give you anything alone. He always gives you someone to talk to. He is always there for you but he also understands the power of human connection and interaction. We serve an amazing God. Please, I am struggling with this as well so you are not alone, do not allow a person (no matter how cute, sweet, Godly, talented, smooth talking...) to become your source of happiness. I am struggling with this right now. It is present. It does scare me and it does hurt. However, it does need to stop. Girls, a text message from them can lighten up your day, but don't make it become your only way to smile. I am saying this for you and for me. HE IS NOT YOUR HAPPINESS. He is not responsible for it. Do not give him that responsibility. It is not his to hold. He probably doesn't even know you trusted him with that. They can ALWAYS chose free will and walk away. God is constant and provides constantly. Give everything you have to him. Everything. I much rather loose a relationship and know I'm being held by a King of nations then loose a King of Nations and know I'm being held by a Prince of men.
Best of luck.
Love, Miss Jesus Freak.
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