In her post, she talks about the man she has married. She states that before they were married, he agreed to protect her and was going to keep her purity as a high priority until marriage. Then, after years of having sex with her husband and not being comfortable with it, she finally tells him her feelings. He takes responsibility yet again and tells her they will not go through any intimate course of action until she feels comfortable with it.
Can we give this guy an incredible amount of credit? She was so engrossed in what she felt, who she was and what she didn't like that I don't think she stopped to really appreciate the man that she has. First, her conversation should not have happened years after her wedding night. Especially with a man like that.
Your partner and spouse is suppose to be your best friend, the one person in the world that you can say anything to and feel safe. The fact that she was not able to open up to her spouse about any of these thoughts, issues or concerns for years really makes me incredibly sad. This is your husband. This is the man that you spent six years with, and to my understandings, they were very emotional. Honestly, to the lady who wrote the blog, you have a man that most girls can never find. One that is truly by your side, wanting to help, wanting to protect and serve you. Please take time to step away from yourself and realize that your biggest supporter and communicator was always right by you. Stop focusing on keeping everything you feel and think inside yourself. It did and will hurt your relationship with such a patient man.
Now this is my biggest problem over the entire post. She discusses how she had to chose either sex or religion, so she chose sex. Now, my problem isn't that she chose sex. That is her, and everyone else's personal decision. My problem is is that she thought she had to choose.
First, she is choosing between two things that no longer cause a problem in her life. She is now married, so why is she having to NOW chose between sex and religion? She is in a time in her life where she can have both and keep both. Her decision is irrational and based on anger at the past. (Which I don't think she went to a therapist that was helping her...but that's another rant.)
Second, she is choosing sex over religion. Religion. There is the big problem. She is basing a decision on the wrong definition of what a Christian girl should have. If you are in a religion, yes, I understand why you are having problems and issues with figuring out what is right or wrong. You are way too focused on the church and their ideas and opinions. However, if she would have had said that she had to choose between sex and a RELATIONSHIP with Christ, her decision would have been different. A relationship with Christ is the entire point of Christianity. Everything you do and say revolves around your personal connection with God. The church cannot sway you one way or another if you have a strong connection of what God is and what he wants for your life.
In fact, God would not make you choose between sex and a relationship with him. He made intimacy for man and wife. So again, her decision was entirely irrational. If she knew Christ in the way God intended, she would realize that what she is struggling with is not from him. However, he can release her of that pain and conviction. Instead, she walked away completely. God doesn't want to keep the good from you. He has the bigger picture of your life and knows when everything should happen so it can mean the most and do the most for the kingdom that it can.
The one thing I can agree with is how churches tend to comment on sexual relationships, dating and intimacy. The main issue is that most Pastors will not stand up on the pulpit to discuss these subjects. They actually make having sex sound like it is something gross that you should not even attempt until you have a man that can't run away from you. At least this is what the past churches I have been to have made it sound like.
They pace around how relationships work. Actually, when I went into my first relationship, I didn't know if holding hands was considered wrong on the first date. How many days do you have to wait until you can kiss? If he touches your back or stomach, are you going to hell? If you fall asleep during a movie in their arms, are you automatically a heathen in the eyes of God and the church?
Now, I am still not sure what exactly the lines are for dating. I know what is the line for a husband though. I don't know what automatically considers you as "in a relationship" and what doesn't. The church never helped me discover this. I have read so many bible verses and talked to so many of my friends who have followed a Christ centered relationship. All of the answers are different. One couple never kissed until their wedding day. Another would kiss but would never make out. Another was ok with having each other spend the night because they always know that they will say no.
I believe every relationship is different. I believe the whole point is that you are always able to say no. Some couples have more will power than others. There is not a definition in the Bible that says that between two and four months you can only hold hands. If it did, you would never trust or talk to God. Yes, there are boundaries, for sure. Again, it is your interpretation of the bible and your relationship partner.
These are the things that really hurt my heart when reading the blog. I understand completely where she is coming from because it is really hard to be raised as a female in the church and be told a thousand and one ways that sex should never happen before marriage...and nothing else. No guidance of what is right or wrong from there. How far a guy/girl friendship can go before it is considered dating. One Christian girl that I knew believed that when they sat next to each other on the couch and watched a movie that they were THEN in a relationship. Others believed it was after the first kiss. I don't have an answer for this either. Again, it depends on the relationship. At some point, yes, the conversation has to come up on where two people stand, but it depends on the two people.
If she trusted the man she was with, had a personal relationship with Christ (instead of a personal religion), then all of this would have been easier for her to handle because she wouldn't have been alone. She would have realized she had support and love from so many. This problem of how she felt is not new. Most young female Christians go through this. I honestly believe because of a huge disconnect between the subject at the pulpit. Churches are so incredibly concerned on preserving purity that they forget to preserve the reason why.
Sorry, one more point. She received her purity ring at 10. Yes, that is young. However, she received hers because she was told by the church to. Most of the people I know that received their purity ring because of the church (a class at a certain age or whatever) ended up loosing their virginity before marriage. I asked my parents at the age of thirteen for my purity ring. Yes, it had a lot to do with uncertainty of dating, my relationship of Christ and my promise to him. However, it also had to do with the relationships I saw around me in high school. So many relationships feel apart and I could not stand the idea (still can't) of giving myself completely to someone and then them walking away. I never want someone to know me in the way my husband will. I don't want my husband to know someone knows me the same way he does.
OK, and the topic that she is suppose to always say yes to her husband and also forgive him for not being a virgin because you have to. What is that all about. I am sorry, she has such a screwed up idea of what all of this is and means. Are you suppose to be there for your husband and his needs? Yes. However, he is suppose to be there for yours as well. She made herself seem like an object. Submitting to your husband doesn't mean you do whatever he wants, needs or says. Woman was made from man's rib. Not from his feet. You aren't there to be walked on. You are there to be protected by him, support him and be equal to him. It is a relationship of trust, love, peace and patience. It is developed by God. She went into a marriage without understanding the beauty of it all.
Alright, I am going to walk away from this topic. I do understand where she is coming from but I am incredibly angry and mesmerized that she would tell other Christian females that you shouldn't wait until marriage. If they have a strong relationship with God, they will know exactly what to do. If they don't, they will be able to talk to God and the person they are in a relationship with to truly understand what and how everything should work out. These girls can also listen to an advancing language of preaching that does not shy away from this topic. Actually, Elevation Church has a new series that is dedicated to how to live in a Christ centered world as a single, in a relationship or married individual. They do not shy away from sex, dating or any of the topics that can be confusing to the girls of this generation.
Girls, the above girl does not have your life. She did not make the decisions she made rationally. She had deeper areas of concern and problems that she kept inside of her instead of trusting all of the things she should have for help in this area of her life. Marriage is a beautiful thing. God gave us this connection with our husbands and it is worth protecting. Ultimately, you get to make your own decision. I can't tell you what is and isn't right. That depends on your relationship with Christ. Just, please, understand that when you are in as much confusion and pain as the lady who wrote the blog, good will only come out of it if you speak up and ask questions.
I wish you the best. Relationships are complicated and confusing and adding any other struggles on top of it can make you shut down. Just know you aren't alone, you aren't the first and you won't be the last. Lot of love and best of luck.
Miss Jesus Freak
Comments
Post a Comment