If you want advice from me on this subject, just note that right now I am wrapped up in a quilt, wearing an oversized hoodie, drinking herbal tea and petting my cat. So, naturally, my advice for dating should be ranked among Dr. Phil and Oprah.
I'm not against dating, per say, but I'm against what society has turned it into. Actually, I'm not even sure dating is the right word to use. Now, instead of dating, there are terms like talking, seeing, friends with benefits, f*** buddies and so many others. Go to urban dictionary, you will find so many terms for every kind of relationship you want/desire/need. It all depends on your level of commitment.
Now, I am a Christian. Hints the blog name and url title. So my stance is very clear on what I expect in a relationship. Fellow Christian, Faithfulness, commitment, purity...the foundation of what I believe would be a good relationship. Of course, then there are the "top tens" that every Christian girl makes so not to compromise on their vision of life.
By the way, don't make one of these. When you are 15 and going through your first heartbreak, that list doesn't mean a thing. Its more of a "oh here's my type" and you start to cancel out really great guys because of what you believe you want rather than finding what you really need.
This is how I have operated in the dating world. I knew that I wanted a Christian who was a musician and could sing. No surprise, my celebrity crush, and "husband to be," was Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers (this crush lasted a lot longer than admittable). Every guy, in the real world that I have "dated" can be closely compared to that idealistic persona. Take that as you may.
Sadly, I too have to use the quotes around the word "dated". Not by choice but by experience.
Two things have caught me off guard when it comes to the dating scene. (Keep in mind that my dating experience is comparable to an average 14 year old girl mixed with the traditional thoughts of an 80 year old woman...so "catching off guard" isn't too terribly difficult.)
The title "Christian" means nothing. It is only a title and determines absolutely zero about the character of a guy or what he is wanting from a relationship. I'm not demeaning every Christian guy because I know there are a handful of amazing guys out there who truly follow Christ and want to live out a relationship true to their faith. What I am saying is that you cannot judge a guy based on that title alone.
I've spoken to many of my Christian girl friends and have been alarmed by the number of them who stated that they are no longer attracted to men who say they are Christians. This isn't a reflection of the faith or the title but the men who are wearing it. (Girls too. This is a generational thing, not a sexiest thing.) There is a certain standard that comes with this title and it is not being met.
As Christians, we are given a standard to follow in the world, especially when it comes to sex, relationships and marriage. We are given a responsibility to our partners, to ourselves and (first) to Christ.
Christian men are expected to be kind, loving beings who see their wife as an equal. During the dating process, the man is expected to help guide the lady towards Christ, keep her promise of purity and keep the standard of a commitment to be only with her.
What saddens me is that this standard is no longer coming with the title. (Yes, there are a few very strong Christian men who are following this standard...) Now, I've had more "relationships" with Christians than I have had relationships.
That sentence doesn't make sense? Notice the quotes. Basically, I have found that today's Christians like to have a friend that they consider to be very dear over having a relationship title. This includes lunches, paying for meals, personal conversations, kissing, cuddling, future life plans and so on. It IS a relationship, it just lacks the title or commitment.
I've heard it all. I've seen it all. I've experienced most of the titles given from Christian males to label a relationship. Just because it looks, acts and feels like a relationship...it, apparently, doesn't mean that it is one.
Commitment.
This is my second complaint about dating. There are very few committed relationships in our generation and I am scared that we are passing it on to the younger generations. There is no longer "dating". There is now "seeing" someone, which allows for little to no commitment and the ability to see other people during the same time. There is "talking," which allows two people to casually start flirting and texting and calling to see if they want to date. There are "friends with benefits" which allows two people to be friends and allow sexual pleasure while finding other people that they actually want to date. And, my favorite,"dating" several people at once without any one of them knowing.
None of these makes any sense to me. It isn't an atheist vs christian thing. It's a respect thing. Girls want to be in a committed relationship. I have never once had one of my girl friends call me saying, "He won't cheat on me. How could he do this to me? That jerk is 100% committed to me. How dare he!"
Instead, the phone calls are a mixture of yelling, crying and cursing about having to settle for a guy who won't commit fully to them because of "complications", "bettering of themselves first", "other relationship obligations" and so forth. There are a thousand of excuses given and, sadly, we will accept most of them, because, all of a sudden we turn 20 and we start believing that we are going to die alone, wrapped up in a hand-knitted sweater of our own hair with our 40 cats surrounding our bodies. Dramatic? Eh, what can I say, it paints a picture.
Call me old fashioned but being committed to one man and knowing he is committed to me is the absolute most romantic relationship I could ever imagine.
SIDE NOTE. Have you seen that meem of the end of "The Notebook"...the old man is at the nursing home with his wife who has alzheimer. He is about to read her the story of their love when...NEXT IMAGE: doctor finds the cure for alzheimer, the man closes the book, hugs his wife and they leave. Talk about a Nicholas Spark's charm killer. ...made me laugh. Anyways.
But hey, we are in a world where we can have everything. We can have a play buddy along with a serious relationship. All that has to be done are a few romantic words, some well spelled out promises and a nice smile. Girls are falling for this. I've fallen for this. Girls, we will believe a smooth talker more than our own religion. Add some chocolate and a few roses and a guy can keep two girls with limited complications easier than an underaged American can get wine on a Friday in Georgia.
See my point? Not only can we no longer hold truth to a title but we are now in a term of society where commitment is hard to find. Faithfulness is hard to find. We want everything now. Consequences no longer matter because we are so willing to settle.
Girls, why do we settle? Why do we allow words to speak louder than actions. If you aren't the only one, don't be one. We are beautiful. We are worth it. We are worthy to have men that are committed, faithful and loving.
Guys, don't settle either. Find one girl, be committed to her and know you are worth the world to her. She will give you everything she can, as long as you cherish, protect and love her. Guide her. Be the one person she can talk to about anything. Make promises you can keep. Don't keep her on the side, keep her as your side. Make her the only one. If she means that much to you, you will do that for her.
Christians. You have a title. You have a standard to uphold. To hear, and feel, the offense of Christian "dating" is disturbing. I have met more atheist who have acted more like Christians than Christians have in relationships. Seriously, stand up. Start being apart of the standard we were given. Don't abuse the title to collect rewards that are momentary.
Athiests. The same holds true for you. There are standards to uphold in dating. Mutual respect is a major part. Don't settle for less. You deserve to be someone's one person. Don't keep others on the side and don't be someone else's side item. Commit. Be committed. Don't settle for "talking". Don't settle for "f*** buddies". Don't only be someone's "play pal". Physical only lasts for a time so make sure to find someone who is worth being with in between those times. Don't leave someone/cheat on someone who has 80% of what you desire for someone who has 20% of what you want.
America's dating has gotten out of hand. It has escaped all meaning of its original purpose. We keep finding loop holes around responsibility. This isn't the movies. We aren't in a scripted series where everything turns out ok. We don't know the ending and we can't escape the consequences. We have a pleasure now society. An "everything we want at our finger tips" type mindset and we are becoming greedy with it. Eventually, we are going to start seeing our lifestyle choices being duplicated in our children.
We would kill if we found out that our darling little girl's boyfriend was also sleeping with her best friend. We wouldn't tell her that what he was doing was ok. We wouldn't accept this type behavior and situation for her. But how can we tell her that she is worth more when we can't even tell ourselves that? How can we reprimand that kind of behavior in them when we are permitting it for ourselves now?
I want my future children to learn from my mistakes. However, more importantly and above all else, I want them to learn through my character and how I let the people around me treat me, how my friends and I communicate and, most importantly, how I let my relationship (and relationship story) treat me.
We need to bring back a standard.
And so sorry for ALL of the quotations...its like a minefield. Well, now that that's over, I'm going to continue to curl up in my quilt, grab a glass of wine and snuggle my cat during an action packed movie.
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