Depression didn't end me...It has began me.

I've been trying to write a post for the past four months. Every few weeks I would sit down and try to encourage myself to put my words on paper. However, every week the post would be labeled as a 'draft' and eventually deleted. It wasn't the lack of words that kept tearing the pages apart, but the anxiety and pain that went into writing them. So many memories flooded my mind and body that I'd get overwhelmed and have to walk away.

When everything from the last blog occurred, I was astonished by the traffic that came along with it. I knew opening up about depression would cause a few people to be concerned but I never expected the outward reply that I received. I was overwhelmed by love and support from family, friends, co-workers and people I have never even talked to. I found out that so many people go through this...yet nobody is willing to talk about it. This is a problem because most people going through it are the people that we wouldn't suspect.

I'm not perfect. I still have moments of anxiety where I have to fight for hours and sometimes days to keep down a panic attack. Thankfully though, I haven't had a panic attack in three months. I've learned to control them, understand when they show up and why. They don't control my life anymore...just moments. For anyone who has high anxiety or has panic attacks, you know that that alone is progress. It isn't the dismissal of anxiety. It's finding how your mind can dominate the anxiety that is controlling your life, breathing and functionality on a day to day basis.

Learning the signs wasn't the hardest part. I knew what they were, but I didn't want to delete those reasons from my life. It's kind of like an addiction. It's not that the signs that produce the panic attacks are good for you, but they affect you, and sometimes that's enough to keep you going back. I may be a slow learner, stubborn or just care way too much, but I am finally learning how to let the signs go.

I was afraid to let go. Many of my friends speak to me about my strength. About how no one else could still care, let alone want to care, after everything that has happened. I'm not sure if it is strength or just stupidity dressed in shinning armor. Either way, I care. That is the essence of who I am. I can't not care. However, I'm learning there is a difference between caring close and caring from a distance. Caring close is a way to give everything. It is allowing yourself to take off the helmet and lie down the sword, trusting your opponent not to strike when you are at your weakest.

Then, there is caring from from a distance. The armor stays on at all times. You know enough intel to know the well being, but further knowledge isn't needed, required or desired to do your job in caring. Your name won't be in lights during the 'thank you's' (or hopefully not the 'hate you's' either) but the thought is sustained in wishing for the best and being there when absolutely necessary. The major point in coming to terms with this idea was me understanding that my placement is replaceable and that is ok.

When you are stuck in 'a storm,' as my mother likes to put it, you feel overwhelmed and helpless. There is very rare points of joy. Your will power shrinks and the things you used to love dwindles to things you are ok with. This happened in two very key points of my life; work and climbing.

My job is very time consuming and very physically demanding. Not exactly in a 'if you aren't fit you can't do this' type job but being able to lift anything after 16 hours of constant work can be a challenge for even the most toned person. It wears on your body but it also can do a number to your mind. Which is exactly what happened.

Luckily, I have bosses who care to extreme levels. They understood what was happening and allowed me to have a day off a week for therapy and life coaching. That day off gave me a few extra hours of sleep a night and a chance to reorganize my life, clean up my apartment and work out...all majorly important to me getting better.

I don't hate my job. It does get taxing and I am not sure if I am strong enough to be a lifer in it, but I do know this is where I am meant to be right now. I love the people I get to work with, meet and talk to. Its an opportunity most people don't get. I spend most of my weeks rubbing elbows with celebrities and creating products that thousands, if not millions, of people are going to be affected by. Especially at my age, to be apart of something so major in a world that fights for attention and digital stimulation, I can't say that it harms me enough to end tomorrow.

I wanted to end my career in film, really badly. It was by product of the storm I had become enveloped in. I'm an extremely driven person who is always reaching for another goal or opportunity to grow and become better. That disssapeared for a few months. However, I was sitting in a sandwich shop with a friend and was listening to what they wanted to do with their life. I was expecting the stereotypical answers I had gotten before. To my surprise, there was pursuit and understanding that their is bigger and better things to go after and age was not going to be a factor.

This conversation wasn't a motivational speech. It wasn't even really a conversation with a determined hour on the subject. It was just a conversation. That one conversation, as meaningless as it may have been to the individual, put me back into my place of 'this is possible.' I didn't have to settle. I didn't have to stop and redo life in a new way. I could do all that I planned and I could do it all well...and I am going to do it all.

Climbing has been my escape. When I was little, it was just an activity and a way to compete with all the guys. However, now that I am older, it is a release. I get to push myself past my limits and trust people again. After everything came out that happened, going to the gym was a big source of anxiety. I would wear my headphones and pray I could disappear into a crowd that didn't know me.

But that's not how life works. Instead, because I had on headphones, more people would try to get my attention and make me laugh. Some people knew why I had on headphones and purposefully talk to me and climb with me until I took them off and could enjoy the gym session. Then, that escalated into knowing more people, traveling more and, eventually, getting into ropes again. It is pushing me past limits. Especially learning that I can fall and trust my belayer to catch me. Yet, besides just that, it has helped me to control my mental state.

When I got on a rope five months ago, I was so concerned about who was on the other end, how well I would have to preform, not wanting to fall and how I would 'never reach the anchors.' My anxiety level would shut me down by the third clip. Especially with the idea that I HAD to be good enough to climb with the people I was now trying to be accepted by.

That is gone. I'm learning to trust again. Finding those people that I am ok to fall with because I know they will catch me. I am learning how to breath through moves and fight to get to the anchors. I'm finding that my strength is there, I just have to figure out my mind set and go until I fall. Which, some days, actually taking a fall is more of a success for me than reaching the anchors.

Also, the ability of the person on the other end of my rope no longer determines the ability I must preform at. I get to choose and decide what I climb and when. Sure, if the other person is trying extremely hard or getting on more extensive climbs, it is going to, in turn, motivate me but I am now finding my own strength in my passion.

I am also mixing my passions of film and climbing together. I am really excited to get the final details determined and open up windows of opportunities I never thought I could or would have.

The lessons I have learned during this exit of depression is who you surround yourself with and taking care of yourself first. It sounds selfish and a little harsh, but there are over six billion people in this world...someone can take your place in someone's life if you decide to take a step back. They will adjust. And if they don't, they will come back and prove you aren't worth loosing.

Surrounding yourself with people is one thing. Setting a standard on your friendships is another. I am affected by those around me...and very easily. Its part of that 'caring' trait that will one day fight for me and not against me. I have a friend that sets a standard on their relationships with others. At first, I questioned it. Then, I found myself in a situation that I knew was wrong but wasn't exactly going to walk away from it. Until I realized that if I wanted to keep that friendship, I had to walk away. There would be no explanation worthy enough. That's what changed my mind.

I want people in my life who, not only make me better, but make me WANT to be better. A better person, better climber, better friend, better communicator, better follower of Christ and so on. It is incredibly hard to find those people. I've found a handful. One's that aren't afraid to be honest with me. One's that call out my behaviors and vice versa. I want friendships were someone is about to do something they shouldn't and they stop because they know that the people in their life, their friends, me, all know that they are better than that. I want to make people better, but I also want people who make me better as well.

Lastly, taking care of myself first. This is very difficult for me to do. I love taking care of others. I will constantly and continuously care and give, no matter the consequences or amount. I only care for the people I see goodness and potential in...and I care about those people hard. However, I have had to start thinking of myself in these situations now. One of the ways has been redefining my voice in Christ. Through a majorly odd situation, I have found a church that convicts, but does not condemn. A Pastor who has me in my chair crying from laughter and crying because I know I am fixable. A home where the music is so loud that if God wasn't paying attention to our worship, He would be by verse two.

I am an Elevation Church girl, but Freedom Church has captured my heart. It has renewed it and has reset a connection with God that I thought I lost during my storm. I feel drawn there. I'll have moments during a message where I have to pick up my phone and text people that I love them and care about them just because I feel like I am supposed to. I'll have other moments where I can't write down Pastor J.R.'s notes fast enough and yet they all apply to what I have been going through. I don't walk out of their thinking I am a terrible person. I walk out of there with the hope of becoming a better one and excited for the upcoming week. I don't have to worry about how I act, feel, worship or express myself there. I am at my most raw state and can fully accept, feel and conquer the world I have been given. I am not afraid to lift my hands, dance or invite others there. It has become such a favorite and important part of my weeks.

Peace. That is what I have felt these past few weeks. Total peace. I haven't stopped caring but I've stopped consuming myself in places that overwhelm me into anxiety. I've felt purpose in my job. I've had enormous amounts of support in my career developments. I've felt strong in my climbing but cared for by the community in their teachings and ability to walk up and communicate ways I can become a better climbing partner. I've felt very connected to God and finding absolute peace in allowing His will to be done over mine. Also, accepting the idea of His will over my own and knowing that what is best for right now isn't always the best for the future I have to create. I've found people who sow into my life as much as I sow into theirs. Friends that honor me and respect me in ways that I never held as a standard or reason why they should. And lastly, I have not felt crazy. I've felt strong, independent, frustrated, determined, lonely, happy, excited and giggly...but I have not felt crazy. And that alone, THAT ALONE, feels like the world is absolutely possible again.

I still have a lot to work through but I wrote this to show progress, healing and finding yourself climbing out of the hole is not only possible, but worth doing.