Someone I can always talk to. Someone that I can read their every thought, every movement, every dream and insecurity. I know this person better than anyone I have ever known before. I understand their feelings and recognize their rational and irrational feelings. I get why they are scared to loose someone. It is easy for me to determine why they need to get out of bed and why they go on trail runs. Someone I can push towards success but can get truly frustrated at for not trying harder to reach what I know they can achieve. I'm in love with a person who pretends to be a rockstar while driving alone in their car and someone who doesn't truly understand the value of not getting lost.
I have fallen in love with someone who used to be so frustrated with perfecting the future that they couldn't see the perfection in the present. This person has not only learned the value of life, love and the present, but has realized that nobody is perfect. More so, they figured out that no relationship is perfect.
In fact, one of my best friends made the statement that connected everything into place..."Be with someone you can live life's average Wednesdays with."
Before you skim the ENTIRE blog just to find the name of the person I have fallen in love with...it is me. I have finally fallen head over heels for myself.
Recently, a service at church the pastor mentioned that God does not make mistakes. I wrote it down but didn't really find the value in the statement. Then, he spoke the words that truly captured my soul. "Being ashamed of who you are and being insecure about yourself is not only disrespectful to yourself but is highly disrespectful to your maker. (because God does not make mistakes.)"
My life changed.
I have several insecurities that I have been working on for years. Ones that, now speaking to friends, don't make any sense to them. Irrational, you may say. One insecurity, without scratching past the surface, is thinking that someone will always choose someone else above me.
This irrational fear is brought on by several moments in time that have built into the idea that I am not good enough or worthy enough to be with the person that I love. With this fear, behaviors of jealousy and anger are brought on and eventually, complete unhappiness in myself and the relationship.
One day I woke up and said 'no more.' I am a creation of my Heavenly Father. He is perfect. He has chosen me and He loves me unconditionally. How my body is, all of the insecurities and problems I see, are not problems but opportunities for myself to break down walls and build confidence. It isn't easy. Especially during the summer months but I can say it is empowering.
Empowerment is another thing that I have awaken in myself. I am terrified of loosing the people I love, especially a boyfriend, to another girl. I get nervous about their outings or how they feel around other girls...if they truly like me and if they are actually thinking about someone else instead. Of course there are years of back history that leans towards these feelings...but...
As I write it out, just as I was saying it to a friend today, it sounds immature, ridiculous and self loathing. I changed that thought a few months ago. I realized that I am not only a great person to be around, but I am allowed to be the only person on someone's mind. I am great enough to be his only, and if I'm not, I will find an amazing person who believes I am their only. I am just as great of a catch as I believe they are for me.
I am not defined by someone's thought of me. That is the biggest thing. My happiness is not defined by another. My value is not defined by the people around me. It is defined by me and I define myself through Christ, which states I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am not a mistake. I am a daughter of the HIGHEST King and anyone who doesn't value me in a way that helps me grow towards who I can be is not someone who should be helping me determine my future.
I am not saying I am the greatest person to live. I am saying that, at 22, I have finally found the value in who I am. It has been a lot of work to get here. A lot of hours praying, many journals written, several paddling session and many climbing routes. Every ounce of me has been focused on my happiness and why I have been so willing to hand it over so easily.
You know the greatest thing about falling in love with yourself...?
...I can now truly love others. I'm not perfect at it and there are many things that I do have to work on when it comes to relationships, like every person in existence. Yet, I know some things I can only work on while in a relationship, so I look forward to having that time to continue growing who I am while learning another person.
I've had low moments where I still find my heart racing or my mind wondering negatively but I have learned how to step back and breath. I've learned to take time and step back to see if I am holding a double standard and why. It is not fair to project your own insecurities on someone else's behavior. I do believe in compromise and heart to hearts but I also am finding that you cannot hold someone to the unspoken expectations you have. It is unfair, rude and it shows how much you don't value yourself to think that you are not proficient enough at choosing a partner who is worthy of your love and trust.
I'm nowhere close to being ready for marriage. However, I am incredibly ready to enjoy my life in a way that it was meant to be enjoyed; loving every moment. I know every moment is not going to be roses and my self worth with fluctuate on many factors but this is the first time in my life where I can honestly answer someone's question of if I love myself and look at them with full confidence, declaring "YES." Which has not only opened doors for me to love others but has given me an acceptance of being loved back.
God is amazing. I'm not sure where this new found value of myself truly came from or why now, but I do know that I am experience life in a light I have never seen. Imagine how much is possible when you first believe in yourself...and not just in a business mindset. I can be business all day long...but can I be a loving value to someone else? We shall see. All I know is that I am happy. Adding someone to my life does not change my happiness, value or image...it only enhances it. I will be fulfilled in life with myself, by myself or with myself being with another. My value, my love, my happiness and my joy steams from the ruling, righteousness and unconditional love of my Heavenly Father.
Besides, who can tear down your value if you are loved by a King?
I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. No mistakes here.
Enjoying Life to the Fullest!
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