I realized just the other day that I have been a Plan International sponsor of the sweetest girl, Carmen (now almost 2), from El Salvador, for 6 months. She has two older brothers and her mom is my age. Carmen goes to her Plan International building with her Aunt weekly to play, color and get mail. I attempted to write a letter to her in Spanish. I'm not exactly sure how it was perceived because Google translations and such. BUT, I received a letter back, also in Spanish, and either they love that I'm her sponsor or they didn't understand anything my letter said. My Mom and Dad started getting excited over the holidays when we were able to pick out manatee coloring pages to send her.
Being her sponsor has made me realize two things...I want to adopt this sweet girl so badly. (Obviously not an option in the near future.) Two, I haven't been on a mission trip in so long! Going on five years actually. Kenya, December of 2012 was pretty phenomenal. Especially since I am still able to communicate on a regular basis with the families I have met there.
My heart is so convicted when I see Lil's on the street, homeless, living a life that no child should ever have. Even walking around my own city, I look around and see kids who are ten begging for food. At ten kids should be begging their Mom's not to come in for dinner because they are playing so hard...not being forced to stay outside with no true income or knowledge of where their next meal will come from. That's the life Carmen is living. At almost two years old, all she knows is a life so far away from grand birthday parties, church on Sundays in a room filled with toys (and FELT BOARD JESUS) and a warm bed to sleep in in her own room.
Since I saw her photo on the Plan International website, I knew she was going to make a little piece of my life always shine, even in the darkest of moments. I even started looking at the hours I work as the money that goes to her per week. Hopefully, soon, I can sponsor an American child as well and see him/her get a chance at living the life God always intended them to have.
I haven't posted any more anxiety blogs. Those are done. Excitingly, all of the anxiety symptoms have gone away. Turns out, I was just in a bad enough situation where my body decided that since I wasn't going to get out of it willingly, it was going to start forcing me to until I made the decision on my own. Which I did and I have never been more proud of myself or happier with a decision I have made. My body is now back to normal; no heart racing, knot in stomach or uncertainty of the future.
It actually took me going back to acro and one of my old bases making me laugh for me to realize how long it had been since I actually had laughed. If you know me, or at least spend a day with me, I will end up laughing...If you really know me, you know the triggers and you can get me to a "I broke Cristi" point of laughter. This is the point of no return. A laughing fit that becomes so fulfilling and usually occurs when water is still in my mouth and I stop breathing for a few seconds...it's a lot.
For the past few weeks I have laughed to this point more than I actually care to admit. It has been glorious! I even woke myself up from a nap laughing because even my dreams have turned from "impending doom" (still want a T-Shirt with that on it) to humorous back and forth banter. Actually, if you listen to my theories on James and Mary Magdalene, I'm sure you would laugh as hard as my Mom and I do too...or maybe you won't. Either way, don't stand too close. Either Jesus finds me funny (He probably is shaking His head wondering why He HAD to make me THIS WAY) or I am going to be struck down by lightening. I recommend a ten foot radius. Just for safety reasons.
But seriously...poor James. How do you live up to the fact that your half brother is God?! Literally NOTHING you could do to live up to that. "My brother is God." Poor guy. Awesome bragging rights but sucky odds when it comes to sibling rivalry.
Life has been a blast though. I've enjoyed traveling down to Florida to see Mis Padres and to celebrate my incredible Mother's 21st Birthday...she keeps telling her students that. Oddly, they believe her, despite them knowing me and knowing I am older than that...and that I have an older sister as well. But the weekend was a lot of fun! We became dual family members at Harley Davidson in Southern Florida. Now we have three Harley riders in the family. True, it sounds really cool but my Dad is the only one who can REALLY ride the bike successfully. Mom is still getting used to the hydraulic clutch and I am scared of taking turns over 35mph. In my defense, it has only been a month since I took my first fall while riding the bike around a turn...going 50mph and hitting the pavement hurts like hell. More upsetting, besides the bike getting hurt of course...my scar from the accident looks like I got bit by a snake or a giant spider. I was crossing my fingers for something cooler but either way, I got a story out of it. Even though my Harry Potter scar on my toe looks cooler.
I've jumped back in to acre yoga. This is a dangerous sport for anyone who joins me. Now that I have gotten my laughter back, there are no serious moments. Pair me up with the right base and, yes we will figure out moves and get them done, but the attempts up to the success usually end with hilarious attempts of trying to save the washing machine we had just started. Can't say they end beautifully but we make it work and enjoy our time doing it. What else can you ask for?
Climbing is back. Not as intense as a year ago, but I'm holding my own on the boulder field. Of course climbing on a sprained wrist is prime. Always a solid choice. Still love my Summit community. I keep meeting more and more people there that warm my heart. Some are sarcastic buddies, others are psych buddies and a few are just...I'm not sure why we are friends because I don't know your name but you make climbing here worth it...buddies. If you are a boulderer, you will understand that statement. You can climb ALL DAY, even all weekend, with a group of people and there is always ONE GUY that you call "dude" or "bro" because his name was never mentioned. Somehow, you become great weekend warriors together but still no name. Part of the magic of outdoor bouldering I guess.
Honestly, I am working on my life just like anyone else. I'm figuring out what I want work wise, hobby wise, relationship wise. Its a road that will always be turning do to the fact that I am always learning about myself and others. The most important part of this section of my life is filling my life with people of value. People who not only see the good in me, but the people who I also see the good in. The ones who can make me laugh, live life to the fullest, are passionate about what they do, have stable careers, have accomplishments they are proud of and ones that treat the people around them with respect.
I never realized how hard it would be to find that. I have been searching for so long to grasp the idea that I can be apart of a group, older than I am, who can take me as I am and help guide me in life through friendship, advice, love and honesty. These traits are, sadly, few and far between. I have so many great friendships but very few that help me grow, help me strive for better in life and help me to cherish that part of me that I deem unworthy.
The hardest part about life are those moments when you no longer want to speak to God. Not out of disdain or a teenage temper tantrum but because you fill blocked. That any time you start talking to God, you automatically shut it down. Like talking will make you break down further, tie you up and, if you are like me and do bible studies in parks, bring about a lot of unwanted attention. Its not for lack of trying on either part, or lack of understanding. Mostly, just lack of desire. Which, as a Christian, sounds incredibly bad. So yes, any atheist reading this, sometimes it is hard to talk to your best friend. Sometimes its work. Sometimes it hurts.
But all that this has shown me is that I need to surround myself in a place where God is again the priority. I've put off being apart of a church in Georgia for so long. I think this weekend I might have actually found one to start trusting in again. I've put off having Christian friends because I would only find ones that ONLY lived in church, never going beyond the walls to build the true connection Christ always talked about with others. They either had a life or had faith. It seemed like having both wasn't an option. I am still working on finding this part of my life. Friendships are tricky. Its like "hey human, I choose you. K, see you soon! Bye!" (Don't send that in a text and ONLY do it in person if you are holding a pokemon ball and throw it at them.)
I will say, I am in an exciting place in life that I am incredibly content with. Being single is so much fun. I'm not sure why so many people hate it. Sure, there are aspects of a relationship that you miss but it will have to take a very special person to get me away from being single this time. I literally get to be focused on me. I get to sketch out my goals, my career, my friendships and my hobbies. Every ounce of my mind is focused on what happens next. This makes me sound insanely nerdy but I have been excitedly revamping my resumes, sending them out and seeing what business decisions are best for me. I get to hang out with a lot of people I have missed and attempt to make new friends, because why the hell not? Everything is so open. The sky is the limit. All of a sudden my life is back and I get to grow. I get to learn. I get to strive towards goals. I get to reestablish the life I was so excited for and get ready for the greatest adventures of my life to start.
Like traveling to the Czech Republic in the summer of 2018.
Basically, life is an adventure. Defintly not black and white. I wish it were, at points. But hey, I've got a roof over my head, God has never once stopped providing for me, an amazing family that has supported me through every hill and every valley, friends who know how to make me smile even on the worst of days, a beautiful punk of a fur child and a career that has never let me down...and never will. Its a good life. And one day, (many years from now) I'll be able to make that decision to love and support a beautiful life, like Carmen, in my own home, giving them the second chance at living a life God always intended them to live.
By the way, the photographer, Cynthia G., is amazing! She is worth getting in contact with! Comment below if you are interested in her work and doing a photoshoot and I will pass along your information to her.
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