Beautifully Shattered

I am overly blessed in so many ways. The list can go on and on, easily.

But isn't it funny when some months become ones where the "Blessings" list feels more difficult to come up with?

The month of May was my hardest blessing list month in a while.

May was overwhelmingly opposing. I was so angry about certain things and so excited about others. The poor Atlanta commuters had to think I was loosing it as they passed me singing songs with tears rolling down my face. I'm not a cryer so this was even strange to me but dang, at that moment, singing (well, screaming) to any song that came on to the radio made everything seem so much clearer. Next time, I will at least roll my windows up. Stop lights can get awkward in those moments.

I discovered a lot about my self in this past relationship. Things I was so concerned about. First, I can love someone unconditionally no matter how they treat me. There are no limits on how I can care for someone romantically. True, this can be a fault but I much rather keep this quality than become hard and jaded.

I wanted to shut down love completely after this break up. This was the first guy to pursue me, to have a past with me and to come back and say I was "always the one." Nothing hurts more than finding out "always the one" meant he was actually talking to two.

Never do that to a human being. No person ever deserves to feel like they are not worthy of being loved, fought for or cherished. Honestly, I've never had a huge self esteem problem. I know my flaws but I was very fortunate to grow up with two parents that always told my sister and I how beautiful we were, how much potential we had and how proud of us they were. Being me was ok with me.

This month was the first time I have ever questioned my future romantic life as me not being good enough.

Before I get a lecture...we have all been there. It sucks. You question your own self worth. You look in the mirror and don't care. Ever day you have no reason to really get up.

But you do.

I have always been extremely open about my faith. Dating the guy I dated did not bring me closer to Christ. I wanted it to. I prayed for it to. I kept making excuses for how he treated me saying that it would get better. The nights I would wake up at 2am and get in my car, driving around northern Georgia for hours, I would pray that God would give me strength, that this relationship would work out and that he would become the man I ultimately knew he could be. Above all else, I didn't want to give up. Above all else, I wanted to prove that I was right.

My faith dwindled. I never connected fully into the church I had been going to for a year. Actually, I know only two people's names there...and that's because I climb with them. Sad, right?

Without God, I have nothing. However, I also am probably too honest with my Heavenly Father as well. You know how you talk to your best friend and sometime start getting angry and start cussing. Yeah, God's heard that more than a few times from me. This month has been no different.

The moment I decided to break up with my boyfriend, I knew I needed a change...in everything. This was not the life I was going to create for me. I knew what I was doing was wrong but people do things wrong everyday, yet, they stand happy. Why can't I?

Simple. Because I want something different.

Instantaneously, as I was exchanging keys with my now ex, a name overwhelmed me. There is a lot of significance to this that I will get in to way later down the line, but know it was powerful, it was audible and it was to be followed.

Also during this time, my finances crashed. True, becoming a second AC and deciding to be a day player did ultimately put me in this position. I take responsibility for my actions but I also take responsibility in the belief in myself to become this position. God provides and has kept me a float but moments of panic, tears and long phone calls with my parents have been frequent.

And everything happens for a reason.

It took me two weeks (a month if you count before) after I broke up with my ex to be able to audible speak to my Heavenly Father again. I knew I needed to but I didn't want to admit that I was wrong. If I did that, I knew I would break and I wanted to believe I was strong. That He made this girl hard as a rock.

News flash, He didn't.

After attempting one church, I reached out to a friend who seemed to have their life in check and asked for church recommendations. I knew I needed people to lead me now more than ever. To inspire me and get me focused on a future devoted to love and to keep me from giving up on being the person that people wanted to be around.

This was the biggest struggle of all.

This relationship hurt me. I know longer wanted to connect with a church, get to know people or develop close friendships with anyone. I wanted to keep the people I had in my life close but, ultimately, wanted to spend life alone, collecting animals...just kidding. Mostly.

Despite having a rough Saturday night, I got up Sunday to go to church. Luckily, and very happily, I was alone. I knew I was broken, even though I was extremely happy to have my freedom and time back (being single advantages) I had a lot of parts to bring back together.

I can't even put in to words how beyond beautiful the community I walked in to was. Their spirit, their openness and their hearts were overwhelmingly amazing. Never have I had a group of people ask me to lunch after talking to me for five minutes after a service. Never have I walked into a service and had the lead pastor sit down with me and introduce themselves. I had to have met fifteen people who were there to greet me as a friend, not to add a number to their church.

I walked in and knew. This was going to be a place of safety. A place I could be broken but happy. A place I could rebuild.

That next week kept the emotions rotating between extremes. Genuine laughter to genuine anger. I was enjoying my life so fully but knew when night came that some of the monsters were more than excited to come out and play. So I ran.

On a Friday, I dedicated 24 hours to be by myself in continuous prayer. I have never done this. Did want to. But I knew once I started talking to God again, there were going to be a long strand of conversational topics. Either way, I grabbed my bible, hammock and a bowl of my favorite pasta dish and traveled to Alabama where I watched the sunset and slept in a hammock under the stars and the smell of burning fire wood.

I wish I could tell you something profound happened. That I woke up in the middle of the night to everything I ever wanted and asked for.

Nope.

I did end up thinking the frame, "Power. Of. Prayer." or "P.O.P." cause hipster.

Maybe I was going about things wrong. Maybe communication to people wasn't where my value and thoughts should be. Maybe bringing it back to God and allowing that communication to open first was the bigger lesson.

I had placed my value, in the past year, in the acceptance of man. Who thought I was cute or strong or who was talking to me.

Don't get me wrong, I still have moments where a compliment will go too far in my head and all of a sudden I am the hottest damn thing on the planet. Usually I am quickly humbled by me tripping in public or becoming so insanely awkward to where my words become Yoda's cursive handwriting in speech form.

I placed myself on a challenge. 365 days of prayer. Of bringing it to God first. I knew God worked in my life. Sure, right now it gets hard to see and the stress and worry overcome myself and my parents...but I already pray for myself and my family daily. Sometimes its hard to see what prayer can do when your perspective is zoomed in.

I felt lead not to be selfish. Any prayer based on the P.O.P. was not to include me in the hopes, wishes or plans. No manipulations, just truly stepping back, adding an extra hand of faith and seeing what God can do through prayer. I am on day 12 or 365 days and I don't know how it is going but I can honestly say, through it just making me talk to God every day, I can say it has made me feel better.

Now things in life aren't perfect. I cried today in church during worship. First, the lead worship pastor of this church is freakin phenomenal. I would listen to her sing for days on end. And the guy behind me today, dang bro. He had some amazing vocals. Second, I was done with being broken. My mom and I had talked earlier in the week that we both had to be done with taking control of our own lives. We had to give it all to God. It was killing up both. We were always stressed and even though our highs were genuine highs...our lows were low.

This song I just decided I did have enough. I was done. I obviously could not do life on my own and trying to control my life was leading me into places I didn't want to be or in to a person I didn't want to be. And I didn't mean to cry...cause I am not that person...but today I was and it felt good. And it felt safe. And I felt beautifully shattered.

Since walking into the doors of that church, I have figured out my ultimate end goal for myself career wise. (Getting to that point is rough at the moment but I now have a clear picture of what the end goal is...) I had it placed in my heart to, one day far from now, to adopt a child. I've made a strong decision to not become jaded or afraid of people.

Like, guys, I went swing dancing and had a freakin blast.

I wanted to shut love out completely. Yet, the more I tried to, the more people came up to me and showed me their love. From my climbing gym to my friends to this church and all the new people I met...love. I realized that, true, my life was a little bit like a broken chip at the moment; a little messy and not easy to reassemble. But, so is everyone else's.

Yet, becoming jaded and hurt and hard and angry towards trusting others doesn't make life any easier. Keeping the past from holding you back doesn't make you any better. Every moment we choose to show love and make someone laugh, smile or forget for a moment that they are struggling...that's one of the most powerful moments someone can give. And I have been given that so much over this past month.

Even when the blessings get hard to count or the prayers get hard to say or the loneliness starts to set in, I can honestly I am happier being beautiful shattered where I am than choosing to run away from my faith in God, humanity and myself.

Things go wrong. Feelings are hurt. Jobs are lost. People are forgotten.

I'm not sure where my days are headed in the next few months. I have so many things to build back up, overcome and accomplish. It won't be easy. Some weekends at church will be tearer than others based on the weeks prior...

But the most important thing is I AM NOT DONE. I am NOT GIVING UP. And I am NOT ALONE.

That got a little too preachy. My bad.