Growth Needed; Insight Wanted.

Over the past five months, I have been glowing with a high from working in Bogota, Colombia with an inspirational crew and passionate actors. I have since kept up with those actors and their teams, continuously being driven by their determination in their career paths. This made me hopeful that if I strived with as much effort, passion and joy in my own career, I too would continue to push my own placed boundaries in the film industry to levels I never saw possible.

Five months have gone by and, to be truly honest, I have maybe worked (if added together) a total of three weeks.

I knew time was running out on funding as I came to terms with placing resumes to companies, outside of the film industry, for part time jobs. I'm not a person who "pulls strings" on relationships already created, yet I found myself starting conversations for lower quality positions on different teams in hopes of gaining enough to support the coming months. The most difficult learning process has been getting over pride to stop and ask for help...I am still learning how to deal with pride because I will not accept money...just knowledge and opportunities.

When I first moved to Georgia in 2014, the plan was in motion quicker than me, or any of my family thought would be possible. I was on set, working, within days of turning 21 and graduating college. It was a God thing. Hands down, undeniable.

I have made mistakes in this industry...with how many hours filmmakers put in to their job, that's bound to happen. Personalities clash, hearts break, teams change, the list goes on and on. I can't, by any means, say that I have been perfect in creating my career, but I can say that I have placed my career in my hands. I've always gone with my gut over what is popular when it comes to teams, personal time and shows. Has it worked out...I'm not 100% sure. Actually, I am questioning my situation fully. Which, to my knowledge, has turned into an entire industry sitting down and asking themselves the same questions I am.

I know everyone is 'starving' at the moment with the legal battles continuing past the date I believe many of us expected. Truly, I try my best to be informed on the logistics being passed through various fields of communication. The jargon, what's expected of members and the ultimate 'what do I do now' questions get a little jumbled in between the heated responses from various political standings.

I've got to give it to the producers. They know how to fight. A little cruel from the perspectives of their human work force...but damn, they are intelligent and fight dirty.

You can say, "well, if she was good at her job, she'd have one" or "maybe if she didn't take a month of vacation after her last show she'd be on this one" or even "if she knew more firsts..." the list can go on. It depends on your stand point of my work, work ethic and personal standing in the union how you will read this blog entry. I cannot deny that some of those questions haven't popped in my own head, making me question if I could have somehow dictated the past five months differently...seeing that a certain players are still continuously working.

However, the point stands...life is getting challenging.

The past few "dry" seasons have been nothing like this one, for me at least. I'm sure a few people can agree on that statement. It's always about May/June time frame when funds start to flow back in, shows start back up, day playing becomes more prominent and Marvel steals half of the work force from the ICG. Truthfully, it seemed a trend that if you managed to have work November through February, you were golden to have a small break before hitting the last 7/8 months of the year hard.

The preparation for that scenario was more sound than I care to admit. Budgets, spending habits and all around mind set was settled for those next few months. I was able to work towards acting goals, visiting family, doing auditions, working out, fund a few road trips and take in some roommates from time to time as they traveled their own ways. I picked up a few days here and there, never turning down a day I didn't have available to be on set.

It takes a lot to swallow your pride.

After working in this industry, it gets incredibly difficult to look around for minimum wage jobs that you can, hopefully, quiet within days of starting because some show starts up that you can be apart of. You can't look for jobs that have 'move up' potential because you aren't going to stay...yet those are the ones with the paychecks that get closest to your annual salary. Minimum wage is money coming in but it isn't substantial enough to pay your rent, groceries or...luckily I'm not in this boat...allow your family to maintain a standard of living.

I get that everyone goes through these moments differently. There have been days when I go to bed at 7pm because I can't handle the stress anymore. There are other days that I am hopeful and place my application into thirty different jobs around Georgia, Florida, California and internationally. A few days later, I get emails back from Whole Foods, Target and other companies saying "they have gone another direction" or that "they are sorry to state that..." I've been denied more by 'daily' jobs than I ever have in the entertainment industry. The confusion is frustrating beyond belief.

Luckily, a few commercials have come along that will help replace what goes out in typical bills, but that does not relieve the frustration.

I've tried calmly talking to God...usually that ends with me angry or in tears...mostly both. Communicating the situation, the terror behind not being able to support myself and starting over is an event I didn't want to write down in my book of accomplishments. Especially at the age of 24 with 6 years of supporting myself under my belt.

When I moved to Atlanta four years ago, I had $200 in my account and God and I discussed that I would continue to give so He would continue to provide. If He didn't want me in Georgia, he would make it abundantly clear with my finances. My question now is, even if I don't feel led to move, does this political battle between forces mean I should pack up and move back to Florida and hope for the best?

This is the area where my confusion hits the hardest.

WHAT NOW?

I haven't received a straight answer from anyone.

Are people moving? Are film makers waiting it out? Are we allowed to work non-union if something significant happens in terms of a 'walk away'? Are people leaving the film industry all together? Do we move states...do we stay put? How long do we wait?

I know my situation is not as prominent as most. I don't have a family to raise or boats of debt swimming in my sea of attention. However, I am 24 years old, I've always been able to support myself without asking for help and now all of that seems to be going away...despite the intense amounts of effort placed into changing my situation.

To start over isn't scary...if you know where to start over at. If God wants me to move, which I honestly don't hear him saying, that's an easy step. If he wants me to get a part time job, that's fine, but I can't seem to get one to hire...in their defense, I understand. We are an unpredictable bunch when it comes to working in-between projects. We aren't "qualified" for the higher positions but "over qualified" for the lower positions...honestly, can ya just hire me so I can work?!

I asked my Mom if it seemed like I was supposed to leave this industry entirely...and even in that one question, tears started streaming down my face. My heart shattered. Out of ALL options, that is by far the most terrifying to me. The one option I can't fathom...walking away.

"I can't see that being God's plan for you." was her response.

In all honesty, I have thought about leaving before. Mostly because I was not mentally prepared to be apart of a career and not apart of the average 20 something group living (pool parties, sleep overs, camping, climbing on Fridays...) I let my relationship with a boy and the image of how my friends were living dictate a lot of my earlier decisions in my industry...if day playing or full time shows were better for "us," leaving two amazing shows in my past instead of apart of my current success.

Yet, once that "us" disappeared and I started focusing on my life, I found so much peace residing in the chaos of our industry's day to day life. I found so much joy in having a career in something I have always loved. The people around me have so much knowledge in gear, life, fundamentals, adventures, political status and next steps...all of the people I look up to are 6+ years ahead of me, some decades, and I can't help but think how lucky I am to spend time with people who have gone through all of this before. I don't have to rely on my own understanding. I have to only rely on my willingness to listen and learn from others.

I'm not sure if I have a point to this article. Everyone I have run into is hurting right now, or so it seems. It's difficult to process and confusing to understand. When gym memberships have to be cut so groceries can be bought, it's time to start the conversation of "what do we do next."

What is the next step?

I don't want to have sob stories of 'why me' but solutions on what to do next. Is it moving to CA, LA or TN? Is it focusing on Non-Union jobs? Do we start going part time at companies like Whole Foods? Do we exit all together? How about riding out the storm...how long could that take? Are there openings as Personal Assistants for other members of our industry that can help us sharpen our minds in new ways? How do we become apart of other openings in our industry so that we can not only stay afloat but we can learn and grow in our education of another sector of film?

Please, if you read this, write a response or two down below. My confusion is about as high as my stack of resumes being sent out daily...piles full. My pride of asking for help has not been easy to deal with but it is a point of personal growth I have to deal with.

I do not blame God for what is happening. He has not gone south on his word. He is still providing. I cannot know his meaning behind this dry season...all I know is that he does not go back on his promises. My journey just may have gone from 11 days to 40 years in the wilderness...however, I am trying to knock down the days so I can continue growing and understanding the calling I believe has been placed on my life within this industry. Of course that does not mean I am not frustrated, hurting, confused, lost or (in days) angry...it does mean I don't sit down and get settled into my misery. I stand up, daily, and keep moving forward...

Please don't think I am always in a bad mood either. I still enjoy my life as fully as I can. I've just had to learn how to give my time and not my money; practice monologues at home and not in a studio; sacrifice eating out for cooking at home; learning what friendships are stabilizing/inspiring and ones that are holding me back; being grateful for what I am given for my work instead of expecting to be given a certain amount; what jobs I would be willing to take over ones I thought I was 'too good' for. Pride is a tough one to deal with.

If you have any helpful options or opinions or know of places hiring until this situation straightens out, please let me know. I love this industry and would love to continue growing and learning as much as I can within it. Be it acting, personal assisting, camera or any other opportunities that may offer themselves available.